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Senior Vatican firefighter, wearing a VCFD uniform and fireproof skullcap, braves nature on the Sistine Chapel's roof. Dramatic atmosphere is being enhanced using the Time's trademark "fisheye" effect.
All is well that ends well, but who started the fire? Time has learned that the Vatican City Police are currently searching for two suspected arsonists/graffiti artists obsessed with an unhealthy fetish of covering the Sistine Chapel's ceiling with pictures of naked people floating among the clouds and touching fingers.
Vatican's Finest: Elderly VCFD crew braving chimney fire despite uncomfortable uniforms. (The moment seems more dramatic than it really was due to reverse "fisheye" effect).
Recovering from its CommunistsForKerry / Ann Coulter mishap, Time Magazine bounces back today with some rock-solid accurate reporting on events in Rome.
A small chimney fire began early this morning at at the Sistine Chapel in Rome. Vatican City Fire Department (VCFD) was on the scene promptly. Wearing outdated VCFD uniforms and fireproof skullcaps, the elderly firefighters quenched the blaze, only to have it restarted later on, the smoke turning white from the original dark black color.
When the second blaze started crowds cheered. Such insensitive loudness in the face of tragedy, of course, could only come from vacationing American tourists, apparently Republican Red-Staters, once again putting American boorishness on display in front of refined Europeans. But when the elderly VCFD firemen reemerged, everyone gave a mighty cheer to one firefighter who, it seems, must have single-handedly quenched the flames.
Speaking of the DailyCos, please note this angry comment half-way down the page: "I voted NO 25 times. The Yes response is over 51% now. Looks like it's being freeped." Hey, looks like life imitates the CFK! And these people actually complain about TIME ethics?
Some angry and/or mocking letters are being written to TIME even as I'm typing this. Guess who's angry and who's laughing! A sample letter written to TIME by a suspected Trotskyite on DailyCos:
ladies and gentlemen: i don't expect actual balance from time magazine anymore, but i do expect actual investigation, reporting and facts. i n your current cover article on ann coulter, you make the incredibly bone-headed gaff of offering up a picture of the obviously conservative satirical group "communists for kerry" with the caption "protesters blast coulter at the g.o.p. convention in new york city last year." are you really so ignorant, so infused with conservative propaganda, so devoid of humor, that you can read one of the signs in the picture that says "liberating iraqi children from tyranny is costing too much" and actually believe that any american would put together such a patently self-defeating phrase in a manner that was anything but tongue-in-cheek? and even if you could, don't journalistic ethics (you remember them, they used to be big back in the 60's) demand that you investigate the easily-read title of the group "communists for kerry.com," which, for anybody with access to lexus/nexus, would have revealed that the group is satirical in nature and conservative in politics, ie, on ann coulter's side? are you guys just lazy? or stupid? or both?
Let me finish with a reference to the uproar in the left hemi(blogo)sphere last October when FoxNews.com mentioned CFK in a similar manner, without checking out our website. Even am New York in its printed edition predicted the end of Fox News due to CFK-gate. TIME has made a much bigger blunder, proving that they actually can't see the true meaning of things behind their glossy appearance. In their world, or should I say on their home Red Planet, a girl named Rosa Luxemburg with a CFK poster is a real thing. This is how much our media elites know about life down on Earth.
In the words of E-Nough, Only the CFK fit the news as Time thought to report it.
UPDATE (04/18/05 6:30pm)
TIME changed the caption under the picture on the web page to this:
Pro-G.O.P protesters at the Republican Convention in New York City last year
Correction: The original caption incorrectly stated that these protesters were blasting Coulter
Today I bought the actual magazine (April 25 Issue) with Ann Coulter on the cover. Our picture is there on p. 34, but the editors cropped the CFK logo and most of the accompanying ProtestWarrior banners, like "Criminals For Gun Control" and others. So it's unclear now who is doing what and to whom in that scene.
Original draft of Kerry's concession speech written by CFK (rejected later in favor of a more opportunistic version).
We have lost this election because Americans obdurately continue to believe in old myths and archaic nonsense about themselves. We shall continue to scorch it out of their murky skulls with our red-hot burning Pravda! Re-education is the key! Our agents in the academia, mass media, and trivial entertainment divisions have failed to sway the voting populace into embracing their true nature as a mote of a vast collective! The guilty shall be purged. Our efforts shall be quadrupled. Resistance is futile!
We have put together a list of national myths entertained by our foes we would do well to eliminate by stealth or worse in the new Four-Year Plan. Circulate widely.
America must be protected from its enemies
Americans cannot be trusted in protecting their country because they just might succeed. For too long has America stood in our way! We must put it under the protection of the United Nations. What's good for Rwanda is good for America! Nothing in this world succeeds like failure.
The Patriot Act will help our national security
The Patriot Act must be rescinded in Congress as it infringes on the basic inherent rights of militant radicals to kill imperialistic Americans. We would not mind arresting the rogues and scoundrels who reject our sensible anti-American propaganda, but the terrorists aren't among those and should be allowed to roam free. They and us both find America not merely contemptible but despicable and unconscionably insane. They do it for God, we for history, we merely have different goads to take up the same justice.
People must have the right to bear arms
The path to the new society lies through discipline and submission to the authorities. This becomes impossible if half of the population own guns and may join organized resistance. Despite our best efforts, the ban on gun ownership has fallen behind schedule. It was originally scheduled to expire simultaneously with public morals. But thanks to Welfare, feelgood schools, the ACLU, and through the promotion of drug culture, we have achieved the deterioration of morals and personal responsibility in inner cities ahead of schedule. This lapse in timing has created a rather unpleasant urban mix (guns and drugs) which makes us want to move to the suburbs.
Pursuit of happiness is a solitary endeavor
The government knows better. There's nobody who can better plan, monitor, supervise and assess your personal happiness than a well-meaning government official, sensitive to your and your loved ones' needs and fantasies. Happiness in general is a selfish, individualistic notion. Instead, we encourage everyone to cultivate the feeling of guilt. Guilt is a healthy sentiment that gives you the brazen strength of a martyr as you sacrifice your own happiness to the common good.
Third World countries should be self-reliant
The world is infinite; wealth is finite. If you eat a liverwurst sandwich someone else goes hungry. If you don't eat it you go hungry. Somebody somewhere is always hungry. Dialectical Materialism is a Marxist science that explains how, if capitalist America grows more food, the same amount of food mysteriously disappears in a socialist Third World country. The United Nations must then employ an army of functionaries to relocate the food to the places from which it had been mysteriously lifted, and the American taxpayers must pay for it since it's all their fault. The UN is a world socialist government whose task is to subdue the capitalist achievers in order to feed and preserve the inefficient Marxist dictatorships worldwide.
Capitalism creates wealth
All wealth is finite (see above). Capitalism ensures an immoral redistribution of wealth, lifting it from the poor, giving it to the rich. Socialism offers a moral way to redistribute existing wealth by splitting your sandwich right in the middle and appointing an army of bureaucrats to ensure that everyone gets a crumb. The bureaucrats eat the liverwurst.
Individual rights are the foundation of a civil society
Individual is nothing, the collective is everything. We would have no power if we were to rely on the individual. But if you divide people into antagonistic minority groups, each fighting for more collective rights and entitlement at the expense of all other groups generally, then pitch them against one another and act as a mediator, you will own the world! Abandon your puny notions of surviving with an individual mind, learn to think with the collective brain which speaks most accessibly and conveniently through our Party representatives. The rewards are obvious: in a collective you automatically gain the same rights and entitlements as the next member without moving a finger. Group reality gives one a strong feeling of selflessness, belonging, and protection against all other such collectives, also known as special interest groups.
Moral standards are absolute and objective. A compromise between good and evil is a victory for evil.
Bourgeois morals are laughable. We say, all is fair in class warfare. One man's evil is another man's good and vice versa. Right and wrong are fully interchangeable. Moral relativity is a complex issue which should be left to trained Party experts who can recognize a beneficial action by its apparent veneer of slaughter and woe. That, Comrades, is science. Marxist ethics define good as whatever catalyses history no matter how injurious the act that advances the cause of the oppressed classes. "Class" of course is an abstraction; it is up to the Party leaders to decide what's moral at any given moment. Developing long-term moral concepts is damaging to the illusion of personal integrity. Individual moralizing impairs judgment and may turn a person against the collective and the Party, which makes him or her a legitimate subject of forced re-education. Anything that might hinder the Party's efforts in class struggle is evil. Noam Chomsky explains terrorist attacks of 9/11 as manifestation of a class struggle of a beleaguered populace against American imperialism. Therefore, the capitalist hooligan George W. Bush with his consequent war on terror must be evil.
Parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools.
Parents are the scum of history. They are unsightly Neanderthal vermin who will be replaced shortly in our lifetime by experts whose skill at social engineering will make the family a defunct nightmare of the remote Devonian past. The family is a repository of wrong ideas, archaic values, violence, perversity, and home cooking. Children must be removed from these scoundrels as early as possible and be taught correct facts and values by our Party-approved professionals. The new generation must be pre-conditioned to live in a new society based on Marxist science. No anarchic free market of schools should be permissible. All schools must be within the nationwide government system, armed with Party soldiers teaching the same controlled message to ensure a majority mandate for a continuation of orthodoxy. Children must be encouraged to report the misdeeds of one another to authorities; they should also be encouraged to denounce their parents and those teachers and guides who stray away from pre-approved textbooks. Lowering educational standards is advisable for the rabble as well as the elite at this phase; a weakened America filled with morons will offer us an emptiness to be filled by ourselves. A thorough education encourages children to think of themselves as lords whose very existence is valued by nature to the point of supporting their sloth, whim and curiosity. This breeds contempt for the proletariat and its vanguard, the Party. We hope none of you have children.
American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition
To win a cultural war we must destroy the bases and even the reality of the antagonists. Denounce Christianity and Judaism as an anthropological superstition of savages. Encourage alternative religions and cults, the more short-lived and absurd the better. Then pitch these cabals against one another and act as a mediator (see above). Religious institutions and mindset shall be replaced by the Marxist ideology of collectivism. Churches shall be replaced by Party Committees, sermons by meetings, ministers by propagandists, icons by posters, faith in God by faith in the Party. Open yourself to communism and late Lenin's small voice will speak directly to your heart!
Democracy is the best known form of government
Democracy doesn't work! The re-election of capitalist hooligan Bush is the best proof of it. Once again Americans have shown a glaring lack of ability to elect their own government. No matter how easy we make it for them, Americans resist the truth contained in our award-winning documentaries, improved university courses, and Multicultural Social Awareness re-education programs. The hour is upon us to implement the great Lenin's doctrine of the Party's dictatorship!
It is our sad duty to report that Komrad Kerry has been purged for failing the revolution. He has been advised to take a self-criticism session involving a personal sidearm. We will remember him in our hearts as our most expendable apparatchik.
A few Party members have inquired about the Politbureau's course of action in the near future. Komrad Hillary has humbly suggested to take over, as the rest of the Party melts away into the countryside, which is all red, and regroup for the '08 election. Like Che and Fidel, we must now take to the jungles of America to continue the revolution. Like Lenin and Stalin, we shall penetrate the tundra, the taiga, and the steppes of the American Motherland. Keep your Red Star Radio receivers handy, you shall soon hear the transmission instructing you of the Party-approved course of action.
Osama Bin Laden, the Omnipotent Leader of the Third World's Progressive Forces, has transmitted an endorsement for Comrade Kerry by declaring that all Bush-voting States will be retaliated against by the Tolerant Civil-Libertarian Freedom Fighters.
In response to the message delivered via Al Jazeera People’s Network, millions of Spaniards observed that if it were not for Bush's neo-con, war-mongering policies, Spain too might have received a pre-election video from the Omnipotent Leader, instead of the explosive endorsement received by 200 Spaniards on the train to work, on March 11th 2004, three days before the Spanish National Election.
Bin Laden also said in his pre-election October surprise video that his goal is to bankrupt the US economy. Incidentally this goal is also shared by communists, socialists, and all progressive peace-loving admirers of Karl Marx and Noam Chomsky. What's good for the Third World is good for America!
International Coalition of Dead Voters Endorses John Kerry
The International Coalition of Dead Voters has always supported progressive causes, being the most dedicated constituency of the Democratic Party. Consistently voting for the political Left they are playing an increasingly important role in the American democratic process. It is important that this Halloween all dead people of good will, again, take advantage of early voting and cast their vote for John Kerry.
Give the Dead a Living!
John Kerry announced "Give the Dead a Living!" campaign this Halloween day as he paid visit to as many cemeteries in swing states as he could fit into his busy schedule. "When I become president, I will guarantee that Dead-Americans have decent jobs and affordable deathcare!" he said. "We'll work on behalf of this discriminated majority and we'll make sure that every dead vote is counted in Florida and elsewhere in this great nation of ours! I have always maintained consistent views on Dead-American issues!"
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, cold ground," John Edwards added, his voice trembling with indignation and compassion. "The Dead-Americans have the right to be treated equally with the living."
When asked to comment on her husband's new campaign, Teresa Heinz Kerry said, "I like people who are alive, but they are so unsophisticated, and they always get in your way. To be honest, I find living people sort of, like, annoying. I don't blame them, it's just you know, that's life."
The dead are people, too! A dead couple denounces Bush's agenda as it defends their right to marry.
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
"It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics."
George Soros promises to provide financial aid to dead students.
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," his ailing fellow billionaire, Yasser Arafat, added from his death bed.
Communists For Kerry deny receipt of illegal funds from the Oil For Food program through International A.N.S.W.E.R.
In response to recent allegations of illegal funding, CFK wishes it be known that our revolutionary activities are fueled solely by the will of the people, and not by George Soros or illegal contributions from the former Ba'ath government of Iraq laundered by A.N.S.W.E.R. Unlike Kojo Annan and Saddam Hussein, we did not become enriched by the Oil for Food program. We did not use the money we didn't accept from Ramsey Clark to instigate riots and protests. We had no knowledge that the money Clark never funneled to us from Iraq through A.N.S.W.E.R. was illegally siphoned from the Oil for Food program, and if we did, we would never have used it for treason and sedition we didn't commit.
IN OTHER NEWS
1,000,000 Iraqi Children Die Each Day After the Cancellation of the Oil for Food Programme
The Children of Iraq, sheltered from all discomfort by the benevolent rule of Saddam Hussein, had been unaccustomed to hardship - until George W. Bush cancelled the Oil for Food Programme. During the Oil for Food era, Hussein had worked miracles for his people: teaming with Great Hero of Invention Al Gore, Hussein oversaw the creation of a super miracle food that tasted like chocolate, provided 100% nutrition, and prevented bad breath and the flu. This miracle food was distributed by Hussein's "Palaces on Wheels" - distribution centers built in the style of opulent presidential palaces in order to make every Iraqi feel like "king for a day" while receiving their monthly supply of miracle food.
Vote Kerry - for a return to the good old Oil for Food days!
The Iraqi children aren't the only ones suffering. In Washington D.C. a humble high-rise office building sits empty - the cancellation of O.F.F. has paralyzed the heroic work of International A.N.S.W.E.R. "The floors are no more than subflooring and there are no fixtures in the offices...we can't defend notorious dictators under these conditions" said a spokesman for A.N.S.W.E.R. He continued: "Bush's crazy imperialism is also hurting the local economy. Look at those men standing idly by those boxes of platinum fixtures and fine art. No, over there, behind the flatbed trucks carrying the slabs of marble. Also, Kojo Annan missed 2 yacht payments and it got repossessed - what will his personal fishing guide do now?"
It has come to our attention that some douchebags who claim to be Billionaires for Bush come to our website and troll. Whoever these enemies of the People are, that's no way to engage in class struggle!
Here's the deal. After Nov.2, we will probably be out of business, and you probably hope that the opposite will happen. We challenge you to a battle re-enactment. Your Big Money vs our Revolutionary Rage. Your classy wit against our leftist nonsense. Your snobbish pussiness against our relentless propaganda.
We could do it Monty Python style. We could do it some other way. We could not do it at all. Think about it, and let us know if you're up to the challenge. If you agree in principle, we can work out the details.
With Red Hot Revolutionary Love,
On behalf of Communists for Kerry
* * *
P.S. by Red Eye
I suggest we compete in the following categories:
Mass arrests and executions
Requisition of private property
Nationalization of women
Hunt for enemies of the state
Switching to metric system
Purges inside the Party
Exile to Siberia
Surviving the Gulag
Glorification of the Great Leader
Exporting the revolution
Setting up a global network of agents and spies
Fighting the Cold War and losing
Stealing national resources to become capitalist pigs themselves...
October 20, 2004 By CHER YL AYMMAD, our Middle East correspondent and BAATH Party For Kerry activist
The glorious Red Sox, may Allah bless and keep them, chopped off the thieving hands of the Yankee infidels last night and continued to astound them with amazing feats that can only be described as miraculous.
Red Sox pitcher Kurt Schilling hurled balls of fire at the pitiful Yankee hitters (who could not even swat at a mosquito), burning their useless bats to cinders and throwing them into dismay and confusion. He did all of this with only one leg, oh miracle of Allah!
These cheaters and stealers of balls screamed like women, weeping and gnashing their teeth as one by one they fell victim to the judgment of the umpires, who, with the wisdom of the Great Prophet himself (May Allah bless and keep him), bore witness to their thievery and cowardice. How they lied to the umpires, bleating like sheep, whimpering like the dogs that they are, crying like children!
But Allah in His great wisdom afflicted them with a plague of camel fleas, and so they scratched their groins and slapped at their bodies throughout the game like monkeys.
Tonight's game will bring the final curse upon the Yankees, for the Red Sox will bury them in the mass grave they dug for them last night. History has now shown that they are nobody's daddy; they are only fathers to insects and dogs.