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Remarks made by Senator John F. Kerry at the UNITY 2004 Conference in Washington, D.C., August 5, 2004
All evil tyrannical despots were known to have sensitive sides. It us up to the United States to reach out to that inner sensitivity in terrorists. If elected, John Kerry will make this top of his list.
It's common knowledge that
Genghis Kahn used to love kittens.
Adolf Hitler would invite Geobals over to his pad every Tuesday evening for smores and hot chocolate while they discussed tactics on how to dispatch Jews more efficiently.
Abu Nidal was a avid fan of painting by numbers and regularly depicted scorched flesh and shrapnel-embedded bodies on canvas.
Pol Pot's group hugs are still quite popular in South East Asia. Pol Pot also recruited some of the best Feng Shui designers to pile the bodies in the Killing fields in a more appealing manner.
Saddam Hussein enjoyed spending quality time with his two sons watching spycam broadcast from the Abu Graib torture chambers over the pink TV set with a Mickey Mouse antenna.
Many other evil despots also had a reputation for getting in touch with their sensitive side.
How To Fight A More Sensitive War On Terror
1. We need to get in touch with the inner sensitivity of our enemy.
Jihadists can be quite fun once you get to know them. A kind word or a compliment from an infidel to a suicide bomber would go a long way "Hey nice belt! Did you get that at Macy's?"
2. Our military must adapt to fight a more sensitive war:
Repaint the newly commissioned USS Ronald Reagan from battleship gray to a myriad of flowers and rainbows. Instead of a 150,000 tons of US diplomacy it will now be a floating sensitivity center.
All members of the military will now be forced to listen to Michael Bolton and Yanni.
The Marines must adopt a more sensitive"ask first" policy. This will involve the marines asking approaching suicide bombers if they intend to harm the Marines or not. The Marines will then base their actions on what the answer is, or on what's left of their platoon. They must also carry bags of Hershey's Kisses on them at all times along with Dr. Phil's latest book. They must also clean up after battles.
Laser guided bombs will have to"knock first" before entering targets. The laser beam on the bombs must be toned down so as not to harm the delicate eyesight of light sensitive Jihadists.
The MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs) will now dispense confetti instead of hellfire.
Army standard rifles and grenades must be replaced with pillows and custard pies respectively. A highly skilled army with a deadly arsenal of pillows will decimate anything Al Qaeda can throw at us!
Comminists For Kerry have already come up with a few designs of sensitive weaponry already on display at our State Store.
Attention Pentagon purchasing agents: stop overloading our servers with email requests. We have already told you on many occasions that these products will only become available in the next Five Year Plan!
By Herr Ames
Comrades,
Our propaganda is suffering from ever increasing spelling/grammar errors. Perhaps in our haste to squelch the reactionary chaindogs with strong Communist rhetoric, we forgot to submit our materials for review by The Politbureau Information Ministry.
Two on this page (for starters) are:
"Instead of a 150,000 of US diplomacy it will now be a," and "be forced to listen to Michael Bolton and Jani," assuming you meant Yanni.
In Service,
Herr Ames
-------------------------------
Thanks for pointing out errors! Revolution can make errors, no? You can't make omelette without breaking cook's fingers!
This is the third typist we're sending off to Gulag.We have tried relaxation and exercise, but tickling their necks with bayonet as they typed improved neither productivity nor quality. What other incentives must we use? Bring a daughter to work program? Yes yes... Tie her to the radiator, bare feet on broken glass, we let her go as soon as he finishes typing. Excellent!
Red Eye
By Comrade Brainwash
These behavior guidelines first developed for komrade Kerry's pary can easily be adapted to our marines in Iraq once Kerry becomes president.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What Do You Do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Thank you Comrade!
I needed a laugh today.
STINGING ROSA
By PIAGGIO
Anonymous wrote
These behavior guidelines first developed for komrade Kerry's party can easily be adapted to our marines in Iraq once Kerry becomes president.
You forgot the most important thing! what would a Frenchman and a social-democrat German would do! You know they are a vital part of the global expansion of the revolution!
By Hammler
Adolf Hitler would invite Geobals over to his pad every Tuesday evening for smores and hot chocolate while they discussed tactics on how to dispatch Jews more efficiently.
Geobals? How about Goebbels, mein Freunden.
By Ockham's Razor
To lessen the chance that our army will inadvertently frighten others on the battlefield, I propose that all anti-tank systems on our vehicles be replaced with stereos that only play music by Phillip Glass, Yanni, and Kenny G.
By PIAGGIO
I quoted the wrong post komrades! I was actually referring to Comrade Brainwash's post.
I know great leader Kerry has some amazing plans for the U.S. military, but what about the Ayatollah? Is John Kerry going to send him flowers and chocolates once he takes over the goverment? I'm sure that would make him abandon his nuclear program. Or should he consult with Mr. Chirac first? Or should he leave that job to THE most sensitive man in the world, John Edwards?
By GI_JOE
I though the most sensitive man in the world was Richard Gere. Remember all the crap he was saying about just talking to the Taliban after 9/11?
By Komrad Teddy
No! Most sensitive man is Beel Clinton. He bom ass-prin factory so Osama switch to Advil, better for tummy...
By Texas Pinko
By GI_JOE
I though the most sensitive man in the world was Richard Gere. Remember all the crap he was saying about just talking to the Taliban after 9/11?
Can't be all that sensitive... Takes a real man to do what he's done with gerbils...
By KerryKommintern
Go read all of my bumper sticker contest entries. Some are truly inspired. If you don't read them, we will visit you, soon.
Kordially,
KK
By Zoomlens
Comrades! Are you so overcome with your hate for Bush that you have neglected the obvious? The New American Soldier...now, is that not a sensitive work worthy of Big John? Surely you must know that it points the way for America's true destiny. Me, sigh, I have not been able to get a copy of it. It must be too sensitive for my eyes!
By NatashaluvsBoris
May I make suggestion comrades? Hershey Kisses melt in hot weather. I know some communists who manufacture hard candy that will not melt. Not has good tasting as Hershey but "enemy" will not mistake melted Kiss for poop. That could convey wrong message to our sensitive brethren!
My sisters and I (and some men who are good with needle) are more than willing to manufacture the first of the fighting pillows. We will even embroider the hammer and sickle of our homeland on them!
Natasha
By comrade O'Neill
Comrade kerrys plan on defesne would work if our innocent civilians are killed by terrorsits it is their own fault. Down with capitlist pig dog bush. What is he thinking sending troops to attack terrosits we should wait for them to attack us to make sure they really are against us
By StandOnGuard
Conservative answer: BANG!
By Komrade Kerry Fan
Thanks Nobody for Jhon Kerry, mine hero.
Ees good theenker, dees Kerry guy. Goot and smart
Communist.
HE veel capitalise on de useful idiots Comrade Stalin told us about.
Gut, gut, gut.
By CBNACU
(communist board of nuclear arsenal control ad useage) we believe that komrade kerry has made an unfortunate mistake in his sensitive war on terror. we will only be victorious WHEN THE CITIES OF OUR ENEMY ARE NUCLEAR ASH AND WHEN THIER PEOPLE ARE LITTLE MORE THAN DUST. we propose to do this with a massive nuclear strike against countries from which more than 1000 insurgents have come from, including iraq.
By Winston Smith
As long as we know that 2+2=5 then we can truly have world peace. Our Big Brother Comrade Kerry will unsure our sensitive war will be won. With new allies such as China, N. Korea, and Iran we will overcome the capitalist pigs. Oh and don't forget that we must ally with our true comrades...the penguins in Antarctica.
By George Orwell
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
By John Kerry Marx
We must end this unjust war. These capitalist bastards must be squashed in November. I know that Kerry will end this horrible war that is trying to spread capitalism and democracy.
Communism will destroy capitalism and will regain its stutus as the greatest enconomic system in the world.
We need the USA to be the United Communist State of America. The revolution lives on.
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