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From Yahoo News: Dave Matthews Band, an environmentally and politically active liberal music group got caught on tape while unleashing a whirlwind of excrement (800 pounds of liquid human waste) from their sewage laden tour bus into the Chicago River through a metal grating on the Kinzie Street Bridge earlier this month. This posed environmental and public health risks as a passing tour boat filled with 100 people on an architecture sightseeing cruise was doused by the falling excrement.
The band said that they did this to illustrate to the non-elite American public where they belong in society. "This sends a clear message to people that celebrities are far more important than average Americans," says DMB's spokesman, John Vlautin. "And take my word, people love it!"
"Our crap is so great because we are educated Hollywood elites on special diets," explains Dave, the group's leader. "We actually started a trend! Common folks from all over America are writing to us asking to come and defecate upon them."
Dave Matthews Band is now on the road on the West Coast for the next month before linking up with the Vote for Change tour. The politically motivated trek, featuring the likes of Bruce Springsteen (news), the Dixie Chicks (news - web sites), Pearl Jam and John Mellencamp (news), will be defecating from elevated platforms over a battery of ten aircraft propellers directed at rejoicing crowds in 28 cities in swing states in an effort to unseat President Bush (news - web sites).
People are lining up all over the country for the chance to submit to the Hollywood 's elite. Thousands gathered in San Francisco bay this morning as Michael Moore straddled his gargantuan buttocks between Oakland and San Francisco. This particular event is expected to last several days.
Thousands also gathered in Boston as John Kerry's campaign bus passed over a bridge on the Charles River. "It's a great way for us to show the liberal elites how important they are in our society!" said Lucy, a pro-Kerry voter from Massachusetts. "Everything that rich and famous people do is so much more important than anything that we average dumb Americans can do!"
It's also reported that Madonna is saving her toe nail clippings and plans to sell them to ordinary Americans as a healthy snack.
A riff on the tune "One Sweet World" from the group's 1993 album, Remember Two Things, the homage to DMB is hyped as a tasty concoction of coffee ice cream, caramel and marshmallow swirls processed in DMB's stomachs. (We're guessing the name Under the Table and Ice-Creaming was deemed a little too risque.)
"The thing that we're most excited about is that this socially responsible band shares the same kinds of values that Ben and Jerry's does, which is what makes this project great," said Ben and Jerry's spokesman Lee Holden.
In the tradition of the other rock-related flavors, Cherry Garcia and Phish Food, a portion of the sales of One Sweet Whirled will go to a charity of DMB's choice. The band has picked Save Our Environment, an organization launched by the World Wildlife Foundation, Greenpeace the Sierra Club and other eco-friendly types to raise awareness about environmental issues and global warming.
The D(MB)-licious flavor hits Ben and Jerry's Scoop Shops nationwide today and starts shipping in pints to food stores in February.
By Progressive 08/27/04 - 2:44 pm
Hail Dave Mathews!
By Dan the Red 08/27/04 - 4:29 pm
I am rushing about looking for a liberal elite of which I can squat under in hopes of being defecated upon! I am un unworthy maggot, I realize, but perchance I shall get lucky to have elistist excrement flung upon me!
By A Concerned Vet 08/27/04 - 8:03 pm
I do not understand why you criticise the Mathews band, they were only trying to turn the boat load of people into the great unwashed of the 60's in one instant moment. Then the recruiting would start for the demostrations in New York.
By PittsburghProletarian 08/29/04 - 8:45 am
Dear Komrads,
We face a feces condundrum here in the glorious land of filthy rich Republican widows. On October 1st, 2004 the "Vote for Kopeks" tour comes to Heinz Hall. We have THREE rivers here and we've narrowed it down to the Allegheny, and since most Dixie Chicks fans prefer defecation to already performed indoctrination, which bridge should get the privilege from the Party?
The 16th Street Bridge faces the Capitalist Pig Heinz Plant (which shall be spared from collectivism) for a great view or we can have the Dixie Chicks bare and share on the Ft. Duquesne Bridge next to Capitalist Running Dog Heinz Field (which we proletarians gleefully voted to fund with our tax rubles, only to lose the vote 70% to 30%, thank goodness for Mayor Thomas "the Red" Smurphy though in outwitting the unwashed selfish majority and getting it built with taxpayer funds). Remember, as Uncle Joe once said, it doesn't matter who votes, but who counts the votes.
We don't expect James Taylor to defecate since he hasn't had a measurable bowel movement since "No Nukes" in 1979.
So you see Komrads, it will be the Allegheny River, but which bridge would bring the most honor to our Capitalist Overlord Theresa (already spared)?
At least when the Dixie Chicks bare and share we'll find out who is truly blonde.
We urgently await instructions from Party Central and the Politburo.
PittsburghProletarian
By Biker 08/30/04 - 1:40 pm
"Haw haw haw! I laughed so hard I SH!T my drawers!"
Right on, DMB!
By Golden Shower 08/30/04 - 4:38 pm
What's the big deal?
Everybody knows that liberal elitist siht doesn't stink.
By newsjunkie 08/31/04 - 10:49 am
This accident (or set-up...which is it?) should please the unelected Bush.... he knows lots about 'feces'...
June 17,2004 - Appearing before an anti-choice rally in Tampa Florida Bush said...
"We must always remember that all human life begin life as feces. A feces is a living being in the eyes of God,who has endowed that feces with all the God-given blessings of any other human being."
The audience listened in disbelief as the pResident repeated his error at least a dozen times,before realizing that he had used 'feces' when he meant to say 'fetus'.
ROFL
Who created this stupid site anyway? Karl Rove?
--------------------------------------------
Close but no ration card.
Thank you for the attempt at spreading the useful agitprop in the form of urban legends about the evil Bush. However, you must have missed Directive A-89346-CCCP by the Dept. of Good Ideas ordering to stop spreading this particular agitprop after it had been uncovered by the reactionary Snopes.com as a piece of feces that, figuratively speaking, hit the fan.
So Mr. newsjunkie smarty-pants, ALL life begins as feces in Socialist State! Beat Bush and you too can become feces, so vote Kerry! But your attitude has been noticed, oh yes, it has been noticed though. Karl Rove? No, Karl Marx, you foolish addict. No free heathcare for you!
Beria
By iosef s. 08/31/04 - 9:06 pm
I denounce this "newsjunkie" as a filthy fascist swine! I hope you have dressed warmly, we send trotskyite running dogs like you to siberia! (or to moveon.org, the intellectual siberia)
By Wilbur 09/01/04 - 8:09 am
I wont be able to see DMB on tour. Is there any way to purchase a bottle of this liquid human waste so that I may warm it in the microwave and pour it on myself?
By Comrade EvilDave 09/01/04 - 9:50 pm
In the name of the Glorious American Proletariat and our Radiant Communist Future, I denounce comrade newsjunkie as a traitor to the Motherland, a land-owning kulak, a wrecker of collectivist industry, and counter-revolutionary collaborator with international capitalism!
By Spurky 09/02/04 - 1:50 pm
Wait, "Anti-Choice" rally? Never heard of one of those. I've heard of Pro-Life rallies. The opposite of Life is not Choice. The opposite of Life is Death. Therefore if we have Pro-Life rallies, then you, on the opposite side of things, wanker newsjunkie have Pro-Death rallies. But using the word Death scandalizes and sears your conscience, as does using the word Baby instead of the word Fetus, so you, the supremely deluded of the post-modern era, concoct new words and phrases that let you justify anything and actually convince yourselves that you're not really doing what you're doing. As far as Bush's misspeaks, I have squirmed as much as anyone about them. If the one you posted is true, then that's pretty bad. However, misspeaks and horrible verbal butcherings aside, I would still prefer to have Bush and his party at the helm and within arm's reach of the Big Red Button any day over Kerry and his insane cabal. I seem to remember a great Leader in Biblical times who sucked so badly at speaking that he needed his brother to come along to speak for him, yet he still managed to lead God's people out of slavery. My mention of anything from the Bible is your cue to fly off the handle, spray blood from your eyeballs, invoke the ACLU, and call me an "abhorrent, intolerant homophobe".
By iosef s. 09/02/04 - 10:44 pm
No Spurky, your mention of the bible is my cue to purge you! However you are correct when it comes to the bourgoisie practice of infanticide, only practiced by money hungry capitalist doctors and the Maoist barbarians in pink China. Since you denounce the capitalist infanticide I would like to spare you, but gratitude is a disease of dogs.
By generalsecretary 09/03/04 - 4:03 pm
PittsburghProletarian,
You are skilled with the great light sabre of sarcasim.The force is strong with you.Soon you will hand over all your capitalist posessions.Denounce hard work and be welcomed into the Politburo.
General Secretary.
By CFK 09/04/04 - 8:44 am
Wilbur wrote
I wont be able to see DMB on tour. Is there any way to purchase a bottle of this liquid human waste so that I may warm it in the microwave and pour it on myself?
For for John Kerry and you will be defecated on.
By swampfox 09/04/04 - 9:09 am
I understand springsteen is planning to take a series of dumps over the ohio river and flocks of proletarian fans have already herded onto barges docked under the bridges of Cincinnatti in hopes of being splashed with the holy sh*t. The masses are yearning for some sustenance and some A#1 grade toxic waste from the aging heart of jersey
By swampfox 09/04/04 - 9:18 am
newsjunkie wrote
This accident (or set-up...which is it?) should please the unelected Bush.... he knows lots about 'feces'...
June 17,2004 - Appearing before an anti-choice rally in Tampa Florida Bush said...
"We must always remember that all human life begin life as feces. A feces is a living being in the eyes of God,who has endowed that feces with all the God-given blessings of any other human being."
The audience listened in disbelief as the pResident repeated his error at least a dozen times,before realizing that he had used 'feces' when he meant to say 'fetus'.
ROFL
Who created this stupid site anyway? Karl Rove?
looks like you are spreading feces; in other words, you're shooting up with fake newsshit. keep doing it and your diarrhea will turn red and your arse won't have a brain left
By swampfox 09/04/04 - 9:23 am
Spurky wrote
Wait, "Anti-Choice" rally? Never heard of one of those. I've heard of Pro-Life rallies. The opposite of Life is not Choice. The opposite of Life is Death. Therefore if we have Pro-Life rallies, then you, on the opposite side of things, wanker newsjunkie have Pro-Death rallies. But using the word Death scandalizes and sears your conscience, as does using the word Baby instead of the word Fetus, so you, the supremely deluded of the post-modern era, concoct new words and phrases that let you justify anything and actually convince yourselves that you're not really doing what you're doing. As far as Bush's misspeaks, I have squirmed as much as anyone about them. If the one you posted is true, then that's pretty bad. However, misspeaks and horrible verbal butcherings aside, I would still prefer to have Bush and his party at the helm and within arm's reach of the Big Red Button any day over Kerry and his insane cabal. I seem to remember a great Leader in Biblical times who sucked so badly at speaking that he needed his brother to come along to speak for him, yet he still managed to lead God's people out of slavery. My mention of anything from the Bible is your cue to fly off the handle, spray blood from your eyeballs, invoke the ACLU, and call me an "abhorrent, intolerant homophobe".
Spurky
newsjunkie speaks with sh*t in mouth and forked tongue which has devolved for tasty morsels
By PittsburghProletarian 09/04/04 - 2:00 pm
Attention Hopeless Addict Newsjunkie!
So Mr. Newsjunkie malingerer, spreader of social diseases, distorter, ENEMY OF STATE! You have been properly denounced, tried and convicted by a Peoples Tribunal of Party peers. Lavrenti tells me NKVD special squad already on way to your decadent dacha. Expect knock on door in middle of night. Do not try running. The Party will always find you.
Case: Peoples Tribunal Vs. so called "newsjunkie".
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Defendants chioce - Gulag, or must wear paper hat made of New York Times. Newsjunkie? ptooey! Instructions in "Curious George Rides a Bike".
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The band said that they did this to illustrate to the non-elite American public where they belong in society. "This sends a clear message to people that celebrities are far more important than average Americans," says DMB's spokesman, John Vlautin. "And take my word, people love it!"
Ben and Jerry announce a new DMB-inspired ice cream flavor: One Sweet Whirled
